Silence and the Art of Creating Space

Added by Ak, over 2 years ago.

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This is my first ever Blog. I don't know what format it needs to take so I'll just rattle on for a bit and see what comes out. My intent is to share my experiences around coaching and hope that it helps someone along the way.

I've been with Shirlaws for almost six years and it's been an awesome journey for me. To say that I love what I do is an understatement. There are days when I could just jump out of my skin it's so good. I love running a business, I love the product; I love the people I am in contact with.

One of the biggest things I've learned about being a coach is that it is about creating a space for people to express themselves in. Darren Shirlaw once taught me that ‘silence is a question.'

All the best tools and frameworks in the world cannot replace silence as one of the most powerful principles of communication on the planet.

Yesterday's coaching reminded me of this in a big way.

Our client, a mid-tier business is heavily embedded in the 2^nd Brick Wall - they're struggling with the next stage of business growth, and deeply frustrated. They have a team of great people who are facing some really big issues - one of which is "communication".

They are in ‘melt down' mode. As a business facing a very busy period, and with resources pushed to the brink, even the smallest of incidents, actions or comments are sparking overreactions, arguments and emotional ‘explosions' in the office.

They are tired, stressed out and their capacity cup definitely ‘runneth over.'

Stepping into that energy can sometimes be a bit scary. But I remembered to just trust myself to get where I had to go to get an outcome where the ‘team' could at least talk to one another by the end of the day!

When I arrived I faced a room full of staff with blank faces. Defences were up and you could cut the air with a knife. They were unwilling to talk, and they were all looking at me expectantly!

A few weeks beforehand (when things were a little less dramatic) I took the team through our Think Feel Know (TFK) framework. On the day it worked its magic in opening up lines of communication and importantly brought UNDERSTANDING to how other team members ‘ticked.'

So I asked how things were going with TFK. I went for the Knowers first - how were they finding it - having the awareness around how the others worked?

This got someone talking finally! The feedback including one new staff member - a recent university graduate - acknowledging that her relationship and communication with her boss (who was also in the room) had never been better. THEY HAD SAT DOWN AND SPOKEN ABOUT THEIR DIFFERENCES - and the resulting understanding had changed the way they approached, communicated with, and worked with one another.

Great, I was getting them talking at least. They were also acknowledging ‘quick wins.'

I said nothing and a few more success stories came out - albeit reluctantly.

I then asked how the FEELERS were going.

There was silence in the room for about a minute. "Hold the nerve Ak - you are creating a space here," I said to myself.

Then something beautiful happened. One of the senior members of the business (a Feeler) opened up about how - in the scheme of life - the stuff they were going through at work was insignificant. He shared how, as a kid, an almost fatal accident had permanently incapacitated his younger sibling. This incident had shaped his beliefs and attitudes to view life as being ‘half full' vs. ‘half empty' - how lucky we are in relation to so many others. He had tears in his eyes and so too did others in the room.

This was the turning point in the meeting. It allowed others to open up and share what was really going on for them.

Every time there was silence - I resisted the temptation to fill it - instead I repeated the mantra to myself that ‘this silence is the question I am asking'.

Well, the space continued to be filled and the morning saw a considerable ‘thawing' in the dynamics in the room. By lunchtime there were smiles and some laughter in the room. I don't think I actually said anything for about an hour and a half during all of this. Even when, in the silence, I had a room full of eyes looking at me.

We then explored some skills for sharing and expressing how people feel, and I coached them on a set of ‘agreements' in the business for how and when people could create a space to share what was happening for them.

Today I got a great ‘Thank You' email from one of the senior staff members who had been having a particularly hard time with it all. He shared how he sat down with a staff member and together they used the tools they had just been coached in. By the end of their meeting they were actually laughing out aloud - together - at themselves.

My learnings include:

Trust the process. I know how to coach so I just have to allow it to happen regardless of the situation ‘in the room'.
Trust that I know what I need to do - in the moment. I have all the tools I need to make a huge difference
Trust my feelings - what I felt was ‘brewing' in the business over the past weeks was real.
Call the ‘elephant on the table' regardless of what fears I may have in doing so.
Say nothing and BE the creator of space.
It is in the space that I create that I empower the people I work with.

Ak Sabbagh is based in Perth, Western Australia and is a Coach and Shareholder in Shirlaws Australia. You can view Ak's coach profile here.

Has Ak's experience resonated with you? Please tell us about it by posting a comment.

Comments

There are currently 3 comments about this blog.

Abray, over 2 years ago

AK, excellent 1st blog. I totally agree. I found myself in a call yesterday where just siting down and being there I got a 30 Minute download from a client becuase the silience and listening was there. Hold the space mate. I look forward to future editions - Well Done

rerickson, over 2 years ago

Ak, At probably exactly the same time, I found myself in Adelaide with a husband and wife client telling myself the same thing - keep quiet and create the space for them to resolve this themselves (I too remember Darren's advice - it was in Perth). The conversation unfolding was the same as had happened on 3 previous days, and yet I knew that the only time the subject was raised was when the three of us were together. They felt I would 'give' them the answer. Creating the space for them to have it out once and for all was very empowering for me (nevertheless challenging)and earned a hug from her and a beer from him!

Darryl, over 2 years ago

Hi Ak. Congratulations on your first post. it looks like you have set a pretty high standard. i enjoyed reading about your client experience and felt that i was there with you because your description was so real. i absolutely agree with you that sometimes the hardest thing to do is to hold the silence and create space for the client to process information - yet this always yields the best outcome for them. thanks - a great reminder.